I struggled with cycles of depression from 2013 to 2015.
For those who didn’t live with me, this came unnoticed as I’m really good at keeping my smile on, even when I’m crumbling down inside.
I was constantly exhausted, feeling useless, feeling like a burden for everybody around.
I didn’t know what to do with my life.
I was feeling oppressed.
Had trouble breathing.
Had severe anxiety.

I was avoiding social situations because I was afraid it would make me sick. 
I couldn’t be around people for too long.
I was feeling unworthy, ashamed of my uselessness.
I didn’t want to go back to working in a 9-5 job. 
That idea was almost making me have a panic attack.
But I didn’t know what else to do.
I didn’t know where to start.
I was feeling completely overwhelmed.
I was convinced inside of me that I was meant for bigger things but my self-doubts, fears and the pressure of society, the bills and rent to pay, the impossibility to be myself in this stuck and conformist society were leaving me battling for air.
* * *
My SOUL was curious and adventurous. 💫

It wanted to explore the invisible realm.
It was convinced that life was more than just going to school, finding a good job, build a family ans then finally enjoy retirement.
It was calling me to uncover the truth, to rip off this false matrix without meaning.
To craft my own mission and change the world.

My MIND was constantly reminding me that I had to stay “realistic”. 🧠

That I had to make enough money and be reasonable.

That I would die if I was too adventurous.
That I would lose everything and all the people I loved if I was to pursue that “crazy” self-exploration and break the mold!
My BODY was constantly torn between following my mind or my Soul. 🤼‍♀️

As a result, I was exhausted… all the time. The battle inside me was leaving me depleted.

I was lonely. 

It was a very dark period of my life.

 

* * *
I got out of depression when I allowed myself to explore who I really was.
When I allowed myself to honour myself for who I truly was.It took me a little time to find my balance back.
I now have solid foundations that will serve me for the rest of my life.

My first step was to acknowledge that I couldn’t get out of it alone because I didn’t know how.

The first step was to admit that I needed help. 🤝

* * *

I tend to think that depression is linked to having lost your sense of self. 

You feel like your true self, your Soul self doesn’t fit with what society expects you to be.
And therefore leaves you feeling out of place, inadequate.

Not understanding that the problem is not with you but with the society around you. 💖
And that this society is an invisible frame that you can decide to break from. 
Trying to fit into it when it’s not what your Soul calls you to be creates deep sadness and a longing to find your tribe back without finding it.
To me, depression is a quest for meaning. 🔍
When you reconnect with yourself and allow your Soul to express itself, accept yourself and love yourself unconditionally, you find your way back to meaning and you heal from depression.
Unfortunately, nobody can decide to take that journey for you.
But you can and you should ask for help. 
There is no shame in not knowing where you should start.
You owe it to yourself to at least try.
Ask for help and we’ll show you the way. 💝

Sending you a big hug,

Audrey

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